I feel like my Husband finds me unattractive! I don’t want to end up resenting him. As a mother that stays home with our son and also works from home I don’t have the time to be in the gym enough to have a “rock hard” body. I pray for change, i know i must change some unhealthy habitS, but i just wish i could feel loved and accepted. I understand your situation and your mixed feelings about the situation. Demanding that you lose five pounds or become some unrealistic ideal is controlling and abusive behaviour, and is not right. I don’t feel we can talk to our Pastor as it’s embarrassing. But he just cannot find me attractive anymore. Focus your prayers in that direction, that the Lord would restore your husband to Christ. Yesterday I just flew into a rage because I’ve been feeling unattractive and frumpy. Would your partner be understanding if you suddenly had to work longer hours or work at the weekend because you felt it would further your career or allow you to change direction? I only gained 40 pounds during the whole pregnancy and lost 30 of it the day I gave birth. You do not need to be the weight you were when you walked the aisle, either. I’m too skinny, and after nursing 3 babies, my breasts barely protrude past my ribs. Please look into the possibility that pornography may affect your man’s relation to women in general, you and sexuality, along with the neurological impact it has on the long term. Quick answer: this blog is for women, so it really makes no sense to write posts on what men should do. I don’t even find into an A. My husband sat me down this week and told me I had a weight problem. Please note, though, there is one reason you really do have to worry about your weight gain. This article brought years to my eyes. However he does not find me attractive and neither does he want sex with me. 30 years old, married 5 years, no children, hardly any sex, and any compliments I receive are mostly insincere. I bought some new makeup yesterday! I hate it. You said everything perfectly. But he is sinning by refusing to meet a need that only a husband can fulfill. I feel like I am just an object to her. I am very small, I teach Pilates and lift weights twice a week and my husband has still turned away from me. I have yet to see articles that offers advice to men on keeping their women. You know how the female brain can tear apart this stuff. That l wasn’t in proportion. This is true, so how do I do it…how do I move on? When we met i was a size 10, had a size 6 phase somewhere in between and now bavk to a 10. With #7&8 I gained weight. He claims this has been infrequent and keeps telling me he’ll stop. He’s in the army and exercises regularly. Since my weight loss, he is way more into initiating sex. He’s a kind man, intelligent, supportive, a great dad to our three kids, helpful son, and terrific listener. Its ok to feel betrayed, i would to. And try to rebuild a relationship so that you can talk about some of these things? He told me last week that he thinks I find him “repulsive”. Are you absolutely sure you both do – or do not – want children? I wouldn’t need any anti estrogen since I have no ovaries. ), but I don’t feel like I can compliment her on her looks, because she would know I am lying. So, I started being confident in my body. However I feel that I will have trust issues for a long time yet. Only you can answer that question. I’ve been told repeatedly that I’m ugly. I knew it helped me a lot when I was depressed. You do really need to open up to someone about your concerns. But when I coach someone who is reporting to me that her husband complains that he finds her annoying…. After I get dressed up like that I feel so ugly and empty just for a stupid guys approval! I want to be upfront with you - If you’ve been with him since you were a teen, how do you have five children that aren’t his? Prior to getting married, he told me that his weight had fluctuated significantly in the past, and that at his higher weights, he had had high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol, which he’d treated by losing weight. It should be a way to relax. Mindy, that’s a really, really tough situation. I want us to feel like we’re one, and like it is truly intimate, but I feel as if you saying, “you’re only attractive if you have big breasts” makes sex into something that’s only physical, and that’s so shallow and it saddens me. I did find something on the computer 10 years before he confessed but he lied so well that I didn’t put controls on the computer. It’s like the emporer’s clothes….everyone knows what’s going on and why, but is afraid to say anything for fear of being labelled shallow. Not only am i going to get bigger but its twins so I’m going to get huge. I don’t know what the answer is but find some comfort in knowing there are other women experiencing the same thing.. I know you probably don’t want to and feel overwhelmed and probably your body hurts, but just give it a shot. Single. Carolyn Hax: I just found out my husband thinks I'm ugly. Now, he knocks my socks off and I think he is the most handsome man ever, though he is overweight (I do not even register this when I look at him). And you have a few options… Of my options the one my husband and dr pushed me hardest for was double mastectomy and reconstruction due to my BRCA 2+ status and the fact that I’ve got a 70-90% chance of getting breast cancer as long as I have boobs. He doesnt spend time with me or have sex with me except once or twice a week in the morning when its convenient for him. But it still hurts even when I know the problem is not with me. Sometimes a change is needed, maybe even warranted. Rebecca (Gregoire) Lindenbach–youth & college speaking. Exactly what I needed to hear. Bottom line, if my husband isn’t attracted to me, I want him to tell me!!! I’m seeing a doctor about my weight gain and I take long walks with my husband. I prefer “bigger” men so it wasn’t an issue. That we have intimacy when he physically really needs it or when he’s distracted from my weight. I just don’t know where to go with all this! I have always tried to make him feel desired and wanted sexually. Thank you for this article. The reality is that many skinny people are not healthy, and many fat people are. I would just tell him that it really hurt you. This is directed to EmmyE. It seems like a lot of men have very one-dimensional thinking on this subject…that women only exist to serve them or to be eye candy. All I think about is how fat you are. I finally blew up and was destroyed by what he told me. No. “She should love me no matter what….for who I am inside! Another indicator that your wife has stopped finding you attractive is that she finds every little thing you do to be annoying. (He doesn’t tell me his weight and I don’t ask.) My husband finds me so repulsive that he turns his head away from me when I’m naked so he doesn’t have see me. Basically begging to hear a compliment but nothing. How can you say you love someone only to break them down I feel like the most unattractive and broken women that there can be!! And then I would take a firm stance: do you want the porn or me? Think about the other guys who found you attractive. I have been married for almost 20 yrs. When comes to sex my spouse wants me to make up stories if cuckold. I dress up every day. Thank You for this article… I needed it. Regardless of his weight, I do love HIM! He never called me unattractive but actions speak louder than words. We kiss and he gets aroused but we put a condom on and he goes soft. So often, I just look at her and think: How did I get so lucky, not only is she smart, but she’s gorgeous! I’d put perfume on. But your suggestions on basically trusting the Lords judgment, I completely understand, but my husband is not a believer. If you can’t afford one or don’t know where to go, find a big church because they often have counseling ministries. How’s that for a reverse dilemma..haha. I did not find him physically attractive then, so I fell in love with HIM, and it was at first sight. I’m 23 and he’s 21. You need that. looks like for your children. but i think it is because he does not find me attractive, I have saggy boobs and a belly, I am not tone and young and fit anymore like what he watches on TV. I wear makeup, nothing too heavy…just enough to play up my eyes and lips. Despite being on the bigger side she was far from ugly but because she wasn’t model-esque, her husband rejected her and made her feel dumb for even trying to flirt or be sexy. I felt the same way about my husband when we first met. Assess several things: 1) What is your goal? And each time I tried to initiate it, he would tell me that I was unattractive and he didn’t want to. But one day I took my devastation to the altar on a Sunday morning. I was a size 4 when I met my husband. I don’t nag him or belittle him. No one has a perfect body, and sex is not supposed to be just physical anyway. Weight wise its not much because I do not have the luxury of time or the money. We are both in our late 40’s. No matter what a woman looks like, she is still a person with feelings and a heart. I’m mad at him for his attitude, though I know I may be the same way if our roles were reversed. Just as I don’t look at his weight gain as an issue (I tell him it just makes him extra cuddly). Vanessa wrote to tell me, “Chris, my husband is obnoxious and manipulative. Revel in how your husband sees you, and let his feelings towards you be a healing balm for you. I am literally crying as I read this. In the beginning He would call me his ex wifes name all the time, even during sex. Does this apply to every overweight spouse? I think if I set the tone, the chance of the comments becoming too outrageous is a lot lower. He had once said that it bothers him that he cannot keep it hard to make love to me. Are those men that self-focused? I think a lot of us, especially me, can get in the habit of saying, “he’s so sex-hungry,” like it’s a bad thing, and so scorn dressing up for him. He started at home job. For years. 3)Should I forgive and even want to be with someone whose attraction to me is mainly physical and superficial?This has made me lose respect for him, because he is also fat, older than me with grey hair, acne, yellowy teeth, bad feet etc.. and I still find him attractive! You said you have a pretty face? I am not ugly. Just know who you are. To get some ideas on how to open up that conversation, read my article on what to do if you're no longer making love. My husband has put on weight as well, and it’s not because of what he eats. I think Im attractive and other people think I am only 20-23 years old. We’ve narrowed it down to stress and his lack of sleep. If you, then, start hating your body and hiding it out of shame, you are then taking away the pleasure that he DOES have from your body. I just feel so icky! Weight is a really complex issue. My husband and I have been together for 5 years now. Because that alone should not an issue make. You're mourning the loss of the relationship as it was and the man you thought you had married. Now I have gained a total of 33 pounds since our marriage. Lots of affection. I was slender and in shape most of our marriage. :)), Exactly! He stays out longer and more often (at work, out with friends, etc.). Here’s just one post that may help on the effects of porn. Isn’t their marriage deeper than some clouds of BO and halitosis? I now weigh about the same as when we got married. Anyway, my point is that you are a beautiful woman and he is not acting the way a loving husband should. It was never about him not being attractive, however I think after years of me rejecting him took a toll on our marriage. It isn’t just about exercising more, or what you eat…it is mostly about HOW MUCH you eat. I am 41 years old but usually people think I am age 30 or under. It usually doesn’t bother me but when I think about it from time to time it kinda hurts. Sex being important is just laughable at this point. This is as much of a reason as porn and the media for the difficulty overweight women have in dating/marriage, from what I have seen. And having children is no excuse for keeping the weight. I am lovely in my own right. Where you draw the line?..I said fine you withholding sex and everything so I will get in shape but hope you too tubby…because now for better or for worse vows are shifted. I don’t know what to do, I exercise and eat OK. “My husband and I got married (we lived together for a year prior) and everything began to change. I guess I should be grateful he at least still sleeps in the same room. A year ago he told me he wasn’t as physically attracted to me as he was, because I gained to much weight. We love your comments, and want this to stay a safe place for you! Hello. He has loved me through the thick and slightly thinner, the back and forth, and everything involved with weight issues. i prayed a lot and i could feel the Lord guiding us in various challenges. But, was he perhaps also abusive? One doesn’t have to be thin to be beautiful. I think she has a point though. But after much reading and research and realizing the medical field doesn’t know everything about the human body and is actually wrong about cause of obesity, I’ve changed my focus: now I want a healthy body, whether it is skinny or fat. Remember to be grateful for your body - it's beautiful regardless. What did I do to deserve this? I agree thank you !as a man, that you were matter a fact in your view. What you might not know, however, is that you have just taken a big step into making him love you again and repairing your marriage by simply realizing things aren't well. So there’s nothing wrong with exercise; but let’s remember that our lives should not be about creating the perfect body at the expense of other things. I was so angry. All I’m asking is for him to move his eyeballs. But regardless, we need to love ourselves where we are. Her health problems mean I have to spend quite a bit of time looking after her and I have to take her to frequent medical appointments. Help me. Me and my husband have been through a’lot and you would think our realationship would be stronger than ever , but it’s not seems were further apart and if its like this so early in our marriage i hate to see what the future holds. Whereas if they tried to see beauty in their wife and cherish her and offer encouragement, they might see positive changes in her. How do I heal? The problem is after 25 years of marriage, we have become to love each other but do not act like we are in love. As a result l have had one orgasm in over a year. 1. Be honest and express yourself to him completely…don’t hold back. My husband loves my long nails , implants, heels and French pedicures. There can be complex emotional issues to deal with.